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03 August 2011 @ 01:08 pm
This summer has been completely different than last summer. Last summer was me - doing absolutely nothing every day and looking forward to church on Sunday so I could have something to do.

This summer, I barely have any free time. Half the time, I can't even go to church because I have my job. I've made three different groups of friends that I now hang out with all the time.

It's been a really good summer. It's been a Potter summer.

Hoping my birthday makes it even better.
29 June 2011 @ 12:28 am
I want me livejournal to keep going, but this is a website I don't frequent as much. Before, it was where I posted my every thought. Then it became where I got my every piece of fandom news. Now that I have twitter and tumblr, I don't need this website for anything.

It's hard since I've had it since 2003 and it's been such a part of my life.

Maybe I'll try posting once a month.

But really, there's not much to say anymore. I don't have any news or anything to share. My life has become this one big ball of nothing and it's probably going to stay that way for awhile.

Oh well.
09 May 2011 @ 11:35 pm
I applied to 22 different places today. I need a job. It's only been a week since I've been out of school but my dad already has me feeling guilty about sitting around and doing nothing. I've been trying to get out of the house everyday but that also costs money which I don't have. I have an interview with Bath and Body Works on Wednesday. They're probably going to ask awkward questions like "describe yourself in three words" and "what was a time when you made a mistake and had to fix it?" I never know what to answer. I remember I had to go through one of those interviews to get my scholarship and I thought I did horribly (and probably did) but I got the scholarship anyway (because of my GPA, I bet).

I'm also waiting for my independent study professor to e-mail me the list of books I'm supposed to be reading this summer. I think I need to renew my library card, but I'm not sure and I wanted to wait until I got the list before I went to the library, but I might go tomorrow just because.

Anyway, classmates are graduating, I'm stuck at the worst college ever (I don't think I'll be walking when I graduate either) and I'm just sitting around, waiting for some job to call so I can feel like I'm worth something.

Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
19 April 2011 @ 07:34 pm
It's a weird thought. I mean, I have my gender young adult lit class, but that's for gender studies, not English.

I'm finally done with Samarco.

With creative writing classes.

With critiques and workshops and everything.

It's been such a crazy ride. I sat there during my creative writing seminar yesterday and it didn't feel any different. It was just another class.

I don't know what I'm going to do from here.
Current Mood: calmcalm
05 April 2011 @ 11:18 pm
I've been thinking about writing an entry for a couple weeks now, but I have nothing to write about except for rants and complaints which are annoying.

Quick rant: Youth services department sucks and I can't get ahold of anyone. I had problems with my gender courses but they seem to be working out fine right now. It's mostly the passive aggressive e-mails I'm getting from the YS department that is upsetting me right now.

I have two more weeks of class after this week. I really need to put together a list of everything I have to get done. Even though I have only three classes, I feel like my creative writing seminar is draining everything out of me. I'm at the point where I'm not writing anymore because I'm just discouraged. We do literary journey reviews every week and the person presenting gives a list of people in the class that could be in their journal. I've never been mentioned. I feel like I'm nobody. I'm just forcing my way through this semester now.

I wish I could write more, but I really have NOTHING going on in my life except for course conflicts and that's boring. I don't go out, don't have fun, don't do anything except sleep, eat, go on the Internet, and go to class.

That's my exciting life.
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
24 March 2011 @ 10:03 pm
SVSU is trying everything to make sure I stay there for the rest of my life. I'm trying so hard to "beat the system." I'm turning in petition course forms. I'm talking to the head of my departments. BUT NOTHING IS WORKING. SVSU is the devil college.

The only highlight of my day was Mary, the older woman from my creative writing classes, telling me that she remembered me from our very first creative writing class. She had she was really impressed with my story and she told all of her friends about me. She didn't know me then. I kept telling her that she was lying, but she insisted that she was so jealous of my writing.

I don't know. It's something I needed to hear, but I'm just running out of energy.
14 March 2011 @ 01:18 am
Since my last post, I haven't done anything...

But go to Iowa.

Iowa was great. It was so great that everything now can't compare and I want to go back. I hate my college even more now. I don't want to go back tomorrow and sit in Samarco's class, even though I rushed through my work today and it was okay. I spoke 8 times during the last class, but I don't know if that will be enough.

I only have a couple more weeks of this semester left, but so much to do. I have to talk to the head of the youth services department to get into this class for summer, attend meetings for this group I've joined, and find a job.

I wish I was somewhere where I'd enjoy this.
Current Mood: discontentdiscontent
22 February 2011 @ 09:59 pm
I was driving along when suddenly, the road turned to pure ice. I slowed down, but the person in front of me decided to slam on their breaks and I tried tapping on my breaks, but then I spun off to the ditch. I couldn’t get out because there was so much snow, so I waited in the ditch for my dad to come and help me.

My mom called and I was talking to her when suddenly, the side of my car caved in, the window smashed and flew everyone and I was bleeding. I was in shock and gained enough common sense to call my mom back…and start screaming.

After about a minute, the lady from the other car came to see if I was okay. There was my blood on some of the glass shards out of the car and my headband flew out in the snow. It was crazy. We called 911 and then the ambulance, fire truck, police, and tow truck came. They decided to put me on the back board and I was whisked away to the hospital.

The ride in the ambulance took forever because it hurt to lie on my head. The man was really nice though and kept talking to me. The ride seriously took about an hour although Flint was only 20 minutes away. I did not understand.

When I got to the hospital, I was rushed in a room and everyone started checking my vitals. Then I was told I was going to need stitches and some shots, which was awful, but the doctor was really nice and talked to me about Jane Eyre, the Bronte sisters, and BBC. The shots for the stitches hurt me than the actual stitches.

But yeah, I get to go back in 5 days to get my stitches out.

You'd think that getting plowed into by another car on the driver’s side where you’re sitting would be terrifying.

I’ve actually thought of it before. It’s always been my fear to be in a car crash (I was in one when I was 6, but I don’t remember anything) and I’ve made up all of the scenarios. How I wouldn’t know what to do, how it’ll feel, what would happen in slow motion.

And now I’m thinking back to how it happened today.

It’s not like I thought.

Even now, I’m trying to think back to that moment and it’s just a blur.

I was just sitting there, talking on the phone to my mom and then I felt an impact on my side, the phone wasn’t in my hand anymore and when I looked to my side, the window was shattered.

How can I not even remember it? Everything after the impact is clear, but that moment is just one “bam, what happened, oh, the window’s smashed, I must have got hit…if the window’s smashed, then it must have hit me, oh, there’s blood on my face.” My mom said I was screaming and now I realize it’s because I wanted to make sure I was alive. I didn’t even know.

I have a bad feeling I will try to recreate this moment in my dreams tonight. My nurse said that I’ll be in a lot of pain tonight and although I can’t feel it right now, I have a feeling she meant it in more than one way.
Current Mood: apatheticapathetic
Current Music: Darren Criss
16 February 2011 @ 03:58 pm
It's really nice out today. 48 degrees.

I'm sitting on the computer instead of reading 300 pages for class tomorrow.

I'm bored with classes already.

I want to do something fun.

Maybe someday.
18 January 2011 @ 10:15 pm
And I completely forgot that I already did.

Well, I'll just write what's on my mind. I'm completely exhausted and it's only the second week of school. And, although I've only had Samarco for one class and it was the "hey, let's go over the syllabus" day, I've been dreading it. Immensely. So much that whenever I stop and think, he's the first thing that comes to mind and it ruins my mood. So I've been in a pretty sour mood lately and I can't shake it, because it's a class I have to take and, no matter what I do, Samarco isn't going to like me. I tried writing for him, tried writing for myself, tried bringing in candy canes to be the teacher's pet, but none of it worked. He doesn't like my writing and, without the support from the creative writing professor on campus, I don't feel like I can grow creatively in that room.

My first workshop is on February 7th. I have the idea for my story, the character, and the general structure, but I don't have the will to write it. I love my idea and I know I'll love it when I finally get to writing it, but now, I know I'm going into this with something Samarco will hate. It's how I'll make my introduction to the class. I'm fine with my introduction being a first-person narrative from a crazy, spinster-type college student. That's what I love writing. I love being sarcastic, light, and cheery with a touch of cynicism. Although Samarco is known for his cynicism, it's not the same. It's not the "let's go get drunk and then divorce my wife and I'll be left with nothing" type of story. It's a, dare I say it, Meg Cabot-ish tale with a heroine and her journal. Oh, he will absolutely hate it. I will absolutely love it. Everyone in that class will think I'm weird and they'll criticize me for the lack of deep, intellectual metaphors and poetic language. Samarco will tell me that I can't write in that little round-a-bout way of his. And I'll sit there, force myself to write a couple comments down about how I should change it into a story about a girl who ends up drinking herself in a coma and then murdering everyone in town when she awakes, and just...take it all.

I won't want to write for a long time after that, but then another workshop will appear and I'll force myself to write something that maybe he'll like. But he still won't like it because, even though I'm trying to experiment, he'll say it isn't what I should be writing. He'll pretend he doesn't get it.

And I'll be discouraged yet again.

And that's not even the half of it. There's the participation thing. I get to be subjected to weeks of yelling and "ASHLEY, DON'T YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY!?" when I don't speak and "...Oh" and mute nods when I do speak, instead of the "BRILLIANT, BRILLIANT" everyone else gets.

I could rant about the participation thing for even longer (probably more than the workshops) but I don't want to think about it. Every time I do, I can hear him shouting about speaking up and I feel sick.

I'm worried I won't get through this class.
Current Mood: discontentdiscontent